


Only worth living if somebody is loving you

by 2thirdsofatriplethreat



Category: Dreamer Trilogy - Maggie Stiefvater, Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: College Student Adam Parrish, F/M, M/M, basically adam is a student at harvard that will come up later, i suck at exposition so sorry, nothing graphic but also take care of yourselves friends, trigger warning for eating disorders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25433437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2thirdsofatriplethreat/pseuds/2thirdsofatriplethreat
Summary: “I’m proud of you man” Ronan says"Don’t be, I’m an idiot I shouldn’t have let this happen” says Adam, sounding frustrated. “I should have been more careful”.“We can’t fix what's already done dude, all we can do is move forward” says Ronan, trying to be encouraging. “Looks like Mass Gen is going to be our home for the next few days”.
Relationships: Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	Only worth living if somebody is loving you

**Author's Note:**

> hi friends 
> 
> I haven't written a fic in 5ever. i'm about to go back to treatment (again) so this is just me projecting my issues onto son boy. 
> 
> Title is from Video Games by Lana del Rey; basically I listened to this song all of the time when I was in treatment a few years back and i just associate it with that time period idk.

One of the strangest things about starvation is how good it can feel. To someone with a mind like Adam Parrish’s; one that never stops moving, thinking, planning; the sluggish, numb feeling that comes from a brain starved for glucose can feel like relief. Adam doesn’t know how it started -- well, he does and he doesn’t. On an intellectual level he understands the physiology that makes starvation feel so good, the high adverse childhood experiences that put him at risk for… issues and the need for a coping mechanism that brought about the adoption of this maladaptive one but on a much more real level, he is always asking “why me”?

“Again, Parrish” says Ronan Lynch as he storms into the emergency room bay where Adam is. “What is it this time”? 

“Low potassium, dehydration and low blood pressure” Adam mumbles. He’s sitting up on the stretcher desperately trying to focus on his advanced organic chemistry problem set, but keeps being distracted by the near constant sound of the alarm that pings every time his heart rate drops below 50. “I went in for a weight check and they sent me down here, its bullshit, I have to tutor at 4”. 

Ronan sighs and grabs his hand. “We can’t keep doing this man” Ronan almost whispers. Adam pretends he doesn’t hear. “Text whatever rich brat whose grades you’re trying to save and tell them you’re busy, there’s no way we’re getting out of here in time”. 

“Says the rich brat” Adam mumbles as he reaches for his phone. 

“I resemble that remark, asshole” Ronan murmurs as he squeezes Adam’s free hand, carefully avoiding the IV that he knew it must have taken the nurse about 57 fucking pokes to get, based on the bruises blooming up and down Adam’s forearms. 

“I should be out of here soon, they just wanted to rehydrate me and get my K up to non heart attack levels then I should be free to go”. Adam tries to sound hopeful. 

Ronan is less optimistic. 

“No fucking way they don’t admit you this is what, the 3rd time in 6 weeks? I’ll bet money that your ass is stuck here for at least a few days” Ronan says forcefully, but not unkindly. 

Adam looks cowed. “I can’t afford to miss class, not now. I’ve already missed one Orgo lab and if I miss another they’re going to make me withdraw” 

“Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it man. Your advisor knows some about your situation, she’ll make sure your scholarship is safe” Ronan reassures. 

“I don’t want to have to count on Laurie going to bat for me. Again”

It’s then that the doctor comes in. 

Adam generally counts on emergency room doctors not knowing about eating disorders, not suspecting them in young men and releasing him with a lecture about taking care of himself and not letting himself get bogged down with work. Unfortunately that is not the case today/ 

“So, I see from your chart that you are followed by Adolescent medicine, and this is your 5th admission for similar issues this year” says the doctor as she sits down on the rolling stool. “Tell me more about what has been going on, from your perspective”. 

Adam takes a minute to think, and gives Ronan a look that says “keep your goddamn mouth shut.” 

“It’s just been a rough year --” Adam starts before being cut off by Ronan snorting. 

Adam glares with the fury of 1000 suns. “I just get too caught up in work and uh forget to eat” he offers lamely. 

“I see.” says the doctor. “Well, I called your adolescent medicine attending and she agreed with me that the best course of action is to admit you to the floor for a few days of stabilization”. 

“No.” Adam says firmly. He knows what will happen once they have him trapped; they’ll pump him full of fluids, try to get him to talk about why he thinks he’s fat and then try to force him into some program with “Change” or “Ranch” or “Discovery” in the name. The fact is, Adam doesn’t think he’s fat and finds all of the clumsy attempts at psychoanalysis by psychiatry and pediatrics residents to be annoying at best and downright offensive at worse. 

“You can’t come home like this man, I will not have another person dying in my fucking house” says Ronan. 

“You would invoke the dead dad card” says Adam snarkily. He’s starting to feel trapped and desperate so the gloves are coming off. 

“Fuck you, you dick, I care about you”. 

The doctor clears her throat. “It is our recommendation that you are admitted. Legally, you can leave against medical advice but I really, really strongly advise you not to do that Adam” she says gently. “Your heart is struggling and your electrolytes are all out of whack, we need to monitor you and start refeeding in a controlled environment”. 

Adam cringes at the word “refeeding”. It reminds him of that terrible summer with the witches, feeding him until he felt like he was going to burst because he came back from freshman year looking “too skinny”. He sighs deeply. 

“Fine, but only overnight, I have class tomorrow afternoon and I’m not missing it” Adam relents. 

“Perfect, I’ll get the paperwork started now” says the doctor as she stands up and heads back to the nurses station. 

“I’m proud of you man” Ronan says 

“Don’t be, I’m an idiot I shouldn’t have let this happen” says Adam, sounding frustrated. “I should have been more careful”. 

“We can’t fix what's already done dude, all we can do is move forward” says Ronan, trying to be encouraging. “Looks like Mass Gen is going to be our home for the next few days”. 

Adam fidgets while they wait to find out what floor he is being admitted to and starts straight up pacing while they’re waiting for the floor nurse to come down and get him. 

“Sit your ass down before shit starts alarming” says Ronan as Adam circles the room for what feels like the millionth time. 

“Actually, pacing is keeping my heart rate up so no alarms should be going off” mumbles Adam darkly as he passes the chair Ronan is sitting in. 

Ronan just gets up and gently guides Adam back to the stretcher by his shoulders. “Damn, you’re boney” observes Ronan, making Adam turn red. 

Ronan is beyond ready to get out of the cramped ER bay by the time the nurse shows up with a wheelchair to bring Adam up to the floor. 

“Hey guys, my name is Kayley and I’ll be Adam’s nurse until about 7 tonight” she says cheerily”

“Uh, I can walk” is all Adam says in response as he spies the wheelchair. Adam protests as he is led to the chair. 

“Sorry kiddo, it's policy” as she unhooks him from the ER monitors and grabs his IV pole. “Ready to go for a little ride?”

Adam just glowers as he’s rolled through the ER and into an elevator with Ronan in tow. 

When they get to his room (he notices it's the one directly across from the nurses station) the nurse has him pee and change into a gown for yet another weight check before leading him to the bed. 

“You’ll be on bed rest with bathroom privileges to start” says Kayley as she hooks up Adam’s heart monitors and straps a blood pressure cuff onto his arm. “I’ll get your vitals lying down then we’ll do them standing up, ok?”

“Bed rest? What the hell I’m fine” Adam grumbles. 

“Doctor’s orders” says Kayley cheerfully. Adam just glares as the blood pressure cuff starts to inflate. ”Alright, 100/62 let’s try it standing up”

Adam tries not to show how dizzy he is when he stands up for the longest goddam minute of his life. 

Kayley writes down his standing vitals, asks if they need anything (they don’t) then leaves them alone.

Adam sinks back against the flat, plasticky hospital pillows and puts his head in his hands. “This is going to suck” he groans. 

“We’ll make the best of it, do you want me to bring you anything from home? Pillows, blankets, my Switch?” Ronan asks, trying to distract Adam from what they both know is coming. 

“Uh maybe my pillow and a blanket? And my chargers?” Adam says as he starts to unpack his backpack to get back to work. 

Adam does his best to focus on his problem sets but every time he bends his hand to write something starts beeping so eventually he gives up. 

“Give your brain a rest man, it's going through some shit” Ronan reassures when Adam frustratedly puts down his pencil for the 5th time in as many minutes.

:: ::

“A snack? I like just had lunch” Adam grumbles as Kayley knocks on his door with another tray of food.

Kayley decides not to mention that he hadn’t eaten any of his lunch as she puts the tray down on his table. 

“Alright, 15 minutes, you’ve got this hon” she says as she leaves the room. 

Adam pointedly ignores the graham crackers and yogurt as he goes back to writing his lab protocol. 

“Come on man, just a bite” Ronan encourages as the clock ticks down. “You haven’t eaten anything yet, lets not let them force the issue”. 

“I’m leaving tomorrow anyway, unlike Blue, I don’t like yogurt and this is Dumb” Adam snaps. 

Kayley gives him a sad look when she comes back to get the untouched tray. “What flavor of Boost would you like”? 

“I don’t care” grumbles Adam. It's not like he’s going to drink it anyway. 

Now it's Ronan’s turn to put his head in his hands. How the fuck is he supposed to help Parrish get his life back when he seems so simultaneously resigned to his fate and stubbornly stuck in his ways? 

Kayley comes back a few minutes later with a cup of Boost that Adam refuses to touch. “You know I have to tell the doctor about this, right? And due to your medical instability they may choose more invasive measures?” 

“I don’t care, I’m leaving tomorrow, I’m just here to rehydrate and get my electrolytes back up to normal” says Adam as he pointedly avoids Kayley and Ronan’s eyes.

:: ::

Adam does not leave in the morning.

“Did you actually think they were going to let you leave today?” Ronan asks as Adam fumes after rounds. “You haven’t eaten fucking anything and your labs are apparently a goddam mess there was no way” 

“If I miss lab this afternoon I’m going to be fucked” Adam groans as he tries to think of a plan. His only real option is signing out AMA -- but he knows Ronan will throw a bitch fit if he does and Adam doesn’t have the energy to deal with that today. 

“Fine, whatever I don’t care, I’ll make up some bullshit and beg for mercy but this is so dumb” Adam says as he opens his laptop to email his professor and advisor. 

“Dude, just tell them you’re in the hospital; it’s not a lie and its a pretty fucking valid reason to miss class” Ronan says gently. 

The nurse knocks on the door. 

“Hi Adam. I’m here to place your NG tube like we discussed during rounds this morning, are you ready?” 

“What? No, I don’t consent to that” Adam says, looking up from his laptop. 

“You consented during rounds kiddo. It’ll be uncomfortable but I’ll get it over with quick” the nurse says kindly as she begins to set up. 

“Just let her do it Parrish, they just want to help you” Ronan murmurs, grabbing Adam’s hand off of his keyboard. 

Adam learns that uncomfortable is really an understatement as the nurse begins to run the tube up his nose then down his throat and into his stomach. 

“Ok sweetheart, tuck your chin and swallow, ok? You’re doing great” she intones as Adam’s eyes tear up and he whimpers as the tube snakes its way through his sinuses. “Almost there, swallow swallow swallow!” 

Once the tube is in she tapes it to his cheek. Adam takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes as he tries to get used to feeling the tube at the back of his throat every time he swallows. 

“As soon as we get an X-ray to confirm the placement we’ll start your breakfast feed, ok?” the nurse says as she cleans up. “Can I get you guys anything?” 

“No thanks” Adam and Ronan mumble in unison. 

“You did it man, I’m so proud of you for letting them help you” Ronan says, trying to bring up the mood as he squeezes Adam’s hand. 

“This is so dumb” is all Adam says in response. 

He knows he should be embarrassed; he has a tube in his goddam nose because he can’t even eat by himself but he’s just… too tired to care.

**Author's Note:**

> calla, maura, blue and gansey will show up in the next chapters! 
> 
> i'm a disaster so it could be 1-5 business months before next update, we shall see :)
> 
> Come yell at me on tumblr i'm @thedietcokewhore


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